‘The Bachelor’ recap: Bruce Pearl gets a better hometown visit than Victoria F.

ABC

And Victoria proves she has nine lives.

We at SB Nation realize that The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

I missed you all last week. Thanks to some West Coast travel, I wasn’t able to watch or recap the last episode. What we know is Victoria, Hannah Ann, Kelsey and Madison made it to hometown dates, meaning Peter rolled up to meet their respective families … well, most of their families.

Hannah Ann’s hometown (Knoxville, Tennessee)

Hannah Ann says one way to impress her father, who is in the lumber industry, is to be a “tough guy,” so they go on a date to throw axes. Before he meets her parents. Where they won’t see him being the said tough guy who chops wood.

This is how excited Hannah Ann’s dad is to be a part of this whole experience:

Rick: It was a big day because we hadn’t seen Hannah for quite awhile, and we were excited, obviously, to see her, spend some time with her. And of course she brought Peter with her, which is [deep breath] new and exciting, I guess.

 ABC

Rick is … skeptical of this process to say the least. Peter tells Rick that he’s thinking about telling Hannah Ann that he’s “falling in love with her,” which is about as noncommittal as you can get while telling a woman kind of what she wants to hear. Peter isn’t IN love with Hannah Ann, but he is thinking about telling her he is falling in love with her.

Whoa, Peter. Slow down, bud.

As her father, Rick isn’t thrilled about Peter sharing his wishy-washy emotions with his daughter. Peter eventually goes against Rick’s advice, telling Hannah Ann he’s potentially thinking about maybe falling in love with her, depending on the weather. She’s obviously stoked.

Kelsey’s hometown date (Des Moines, Iowa)

From the Champagne Crisis to a Des Moines vineyard — oh, how far Kelsey has come.

Kelsey takes Peter to make their own wine, starting with a grape stomping sequence that reminded me of this:

Best video on the internet.

Anyway, back to the date. It’s a lovely date! They make their own wine — which they so creatively name “Wine” — and have a nice dinner with Kelsey’s parents. Honestly, the most exciting thing that happens is Peter tries crab rangoon for the first time. Not the best review of a date, honestly.

You: How did the date go?

Me: Well, I tried crab rangoon!

You: Oh, sounds amazing.

What I really want to talk about, however, is the refusal of anyone to eat anything. Kelsey and her family sat down to this beautiful, crab rangoon-y dinner, said a nice toast to the pretending-to-be-happy-and-totally-not-dating-three-other-women couple, and then Kelsey’s sister ASKED TO SPEAK TO HER IN THE OTHER ROOM!

 ABC

Those are full-ass plates of food! Why are you getting up? Why does this have to happen IMMEDIATELY? Did you come back to eat later?

This gives me rage.

Kelsey tells Peter she’s in love with him, a fact he seems kind of interested in.

Bruce Pearl’s Madison’s hometown date (Auburn, Alabama)

Madison takes Peter to the Auburn basketball arena after teaching him the “War Eagle” and taking a quick tour of the campus. There, the couple is met with video boards reading “Peter <3 Madison” and a message from Charles Barkley. I’m 99 percent sure Peter didn’t know it was Barkley until Madison said it was Barkley.

That face you make when you TOTALLY know it’s Charles Barkley:

 ABC

Auburn men’s basketball head coach Bruce Pearl joins the party, giving the two some advice and congratulating Madison on making TWO Final Fours this year. Pearl coached the Tigers to their first Final Four appearance, where they fell in the national semis to eventual champion Virginia.

 ABC

Nothing says “sexy date” like matching outfits and Bruce Pearl, IMO.

Madison proceeds to embarrass her amour with some dribbling and skill drills, then crushes him in one-on-one basketball. Pearl, coach of the No. 13 ranked Tigers, found Peter’s attempt at being athletic very funny:

 ABC

Victoria’s hometown date (Virginia Beach, Virginia)

Peter and Victoria. Cool, fine, whatever. LET’S TALK ABOUT HER DOG. A VERY, VERY GOOD BOY.

Buxton played fetch, chased birds, ran into the ocean and got an old-timey picture taken. I don’t care, that dog had the best damn date of the season.

 ABC
Buxton, the king of taking advantage of the jump-embrace.

Buxton for Bachelor, IMO.

Victoria set up another solo performance from a country artist, which feels like a bold move seeing as she hooked up with the last one. There was no indication she has any sort of history with Hunter Hayes. This rosé mosh pit around the couple’s awkward dancing, however, is my personal definition of hell.

 ABC

After the date, Peter runs into an ex: Merissa. She goes on to warn Peter about Victoria, saying that as a great guy, he deserves better than “what he’s on a date with right now.” Marissa tells Peter that many relationships have been ended because of Victoria, which … WOOF.

If a longtime friend surprised me then dropped that knowledge, I’d probably ask for a little more info, but that wouldn’t really fit with what the show’s producers want, so here we are.

Peter told Victoria what Merissa said, looking for some clarification. Here’s how that went:

Peter left, never having met Victoria’s family. The date was a complete and utter disaster, and honestly didn’t need to be, which has become a trend with any interaction he has with her.

Let’s recap Victoria’s dates:

  • Private concert from an ex
  • Grumpy horse riding
  • Yells at Peter and he doesn’t meet her family

SEEMS GREAT!

Rose Ceremony

Let’s see. Peter has three roses to give. Three of his hometown dates went really well. One went so badly that he didn’t even meet the family, and she both yelled at him and cried. Seems like an easy decision, right? Well, not when you’re Peter.

Our sweet, naive prince decided to send Kelsey home and keep the manipulative train wreck that is Victoria, ensuring drama carries over into next week’s Fantasy Suite dates.

Oh, speaking of Fantasy Suites, we found out via a discussion between Madison and her mom that Madison is saving herself for marriage. At the end of this week’s episode, she asks to speak to Peter privately.

In the preview for next week’s episode, we get a lot of snarky Victoria (THAT’S RICH) and a clip that shows Madison directly telling Peter that if his other Peter takes advantage of these Fantasy Suites, he shouldn’t bother talking to her anymore.

This situation is setting up a lot like having a two-point lead in the Final Four and then fouling the three-point shooter with 0.6 seconds left on the clock, if you ask me.